Highgate

Wednesday

The Joke is on You, Mr. Van Der Poll


(warning, this is probably the longest Blog Post ever... get a cup of tea, and get comfy.)


Last night as i was settling in for the evening Eva called me; she was laughing a little and expressed a concern for me about something that had happened to me at work that day... "What incident?" i asked... as far as i could remember, nothing of note had happened at work, nothing in the least "concernable." She told me she had just receieved my Email; and apparently i had had an "accident" at work and had left completely embarassed... "An Accident?" i said, completely mystified...

"With Poop..." She said; My eyes widened... "Herb... "

Aparently i left my gmail account wide open at work and after i left he had a little fun with it; What follows is the actual email sent to Eva.

Sent: Tuesday, February 21, 2006 6:29 PM
To: Eva Sollberger
Subject: I am so embarassed

My stomach thing came back in a bad way just a minute ago. All of a sudden, poo was trickling down my leg. I hat to clamp my knees together to keep it from going all the way down. Still, everyone could smell it, and I was terrified they'd know it was me
, which I guess must have been obvious when I turned crimson Red. I ran to the bathroom so fast I tripped and the poo shot up over my pants and on to the floor, making it like a slip n' slide that propelled me to the base of the toilet, face-first.

I made a make-shift jump-suit out of promottional tee-shirts and Mike was kind enough to let me go home.
What a day!
xoxoxoxox

-Tanner "I always leave my e-mail open so my co-workers can mess with me" Mccuin
--------------------------------
"You've gotta get him back Tanner!" Eva chimes in over the phone... I knew i had to; usually Herb's antics are easily dismissed and almost too impossibly low to stoop to; but this, this meant war. We spent the next half hour brain storming all our possible plans of attack; and finally came up with one that was satisfactory...

The Next day i opened up the Pop and had a few hours to kill before anyone came in, i went over my plan; i wouldn't let Herb know i knew anything about this letter; only that me and Eva had had Dinner plans last night and that for some reason when i called her, she had seemed very distant, even going so far as to making herself "unavailable" for a while, that she seemed very strange and had said that we need to have a talk sometime soon. I giggled to myself all morning, read a bunch more of "Buddy does Seattle" and trying very hard to keep a straight face everytime i thought of it, i knew that if i slipped up even once, if i broke character - than it'd all be over with.

Around 12:30 Herb rolled through the door, and for a split second i almost started laughing; but i sucked it all in; "Hey man, whats up..." (Nonchalant... good...) "Hey Tanner, how are you doing?
well, i'll just post the email between me and Eva; says it just right.
hey babe,
so herb came to work today acting kind of sheepish but i didn't let on to anything till he asked me if Eva got his email.... and i completely pretended not to understand..

me: what letter?
H: Well... you left your email open last night so i kind of sent her a letter....

me: what kind of letter?

H: nervously... kind of a funny letter... about.... poop jokes
me: poop jokes?
H: Yeah... well, like you pooped your pants at work...
me: What?! really... oh god... that explains it...
H: what?
Me: well we were supposed to go out to dinner last night but she was acting all strange on the phone saying she was going to be busy for a while... that she thought i needed to take care of things... i couldn't figure it out, and she seemed really reluctant to even talk to me...
H: Oh god, she must have known it was a joke...
Me: What did it say? did you sign it as me?
H: Yeah... but i....

Me: Oh great man.... thanks!

H: I'm sorry.... you should call her and tell her it was a joke....
Me: YOU SHOULD CALL HER!
H: Ok man... i will, give me her number!

SOOOOOOOOOOOOO... now phase two...
i say you pretend like herb is just trying to cover up for me, like when he calls and says he did it be like... Herb, first off this is none of your business... second of all, i apreciate you trying to help a friend out, but i think tanner has something wrong with him, something more than just incontinence... i mean, pooping your pants at work... that's so juvinile... and then trying to pretend it didn't happen.... that's just weird, thanks herb for trying to be a good friend, but i think this is a good thing, it's important i found out about how tanner... is, before our relationship went to far anyway.... So do you want me to have him email you again, or Call you at work? whatever format you think would be most dramatic, if you want me to phone you email me your work number... -tanner
--------------------
So Herb is a little freaked out at this point; i think he was feeling a little bad; i had to go in the back room to laugh very quietly for a couple minutes; I shook my head, fixed my smile, came out all pleading and gave Herb Eva's work number, "Herb, could you call her please and tell her i didn't shit my pants... i think she really believes it... I'm so embarassed... I..." - "I'll do it right now." he says, with grim determination; what a pal! I watched as he popped open his cell phone and walked over to a more secluded corner of the store; but from where i stood i could still hear some choice words and i got to watch his face as he tried to explain to Eva it was just a joke that he sent; Keeping a straight face during this was probably the hardest thing i've ever had to do in my life (aside from keeping rediculous hyperbole out of my blogs); i watched as his face went from stern determinism, to suprise, to fear, and finally to regret - i almost gave up right there, because even though i was having such fun getting my revenge; i could tell this might be bother him a little; When he walked back over he was shaking his head;

H: I don't know man; i told her it was me, i don't think she gets it... I think you should call her, i dunno...
Me: "What - why?"

The Phone rings; Sue answer's it... "Tanner, Eva's on the Phone...." Herb's face drops a bit; i look at the phone and then at him, pleading with my eyes "What have you done herb, what have you done!" I take the phone and go into the back room. "Hello?" the other end is just laughter, "I got him good!" Eva says... We have a good laugh; man this revenge stuff is fun! Time for Phase two... I walk back out, my head hung low, broken, holding back, what must be an ocean of tears...

"I think... i just got dumped..."

Herb looked stunned; i hung the phone and gathered my coat and hat... "I'm going to lunch..."

Herb: Wait, Tanner... Let me talk to you.... Lets go have a cigarette....

Me: Ok... No... I'll talk to you when i get back from Lunch.

I went out the door and up the stairs Laughing to myself all the way - i'll let him sweat for a while i thought; i took a leisurly lunch, a walk around the block a few cigarettes, City Market for some Pirogees; Time to go finish this little Charade. I put my game face back on; and headed back down to Pure Pop, herb was helping a customer, and i walked behind the counter and stood there facing him till he knew i wanted to say something;

Herb i have only one thing i want to say to you........ BURN!!!!!!!

The look on his face, if i live to be 100 i'll never forget; it was the face of the master realizing he had been bested by one of his students, he smiled, shook his head, and concede defeat; I win i win! Oh it was glorious... meanwhile customers just sort of looked on with confusion, what they must think of us sometimes...
Now however i'll never sleep soundly again; Hell hath no fury like a Van Der Poll scorned, and now my days are numbered. In all fairness though, i have to say Herb was genuinely concerned and really did seem to be worried, that's endearing, and few times there i felt a little bad; but all i'd have to do is read his email, and my righteous vengence would return. Thanks Herb for being a friend and taking it as well as you dish it out, you fucker. And if anyone is still reading this long as post; thanks... it was a doozy.

On a side note, Sevendays is Voting off one of comics that they've been featuring and that includes Herb's baby "Herb and Rose" This is definatly one of the best comics i've seen in sevendays or otherwise and needs to stick around; so everyone should click the link below and vote for your favorites (or your least favorites... it's kind of confusing, make sure you read the directions fully before you vote.) I'm pretty confident H&R won't be getting the boot, but we should all show our support for the Comics we love. If you're wondering what Herb and Rose is all about here's a sampler.Also, Nest Material got a nice mention from Casey Rea over at Sevendays for our track on the Vermont Cares Compilation, check out that review:

9 comments:

The Le Duo said...

Tanner, good job. But that got me thinking about something else...remember? hahahahahahahahahahah fuck all I've been waiting all week to tell you the mother of all horrible jokes. So call me sometime.

JB 'I've only embarassingly shit myself once or twice' Ledoux

Rose said...

This is the most beautiful Herb revenge story I've heard all week. Well done, Tanner! And thanks for telling people to vote for us.

casey said...

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Take THAT, Van der Poll!

michelle said...

this is impressive. and funny. nice one!

Anonymous said...

Dear Mr Van Der Poll,

Please know that this meager burn was done with only the very best of intentions. It gave me one day of non-stop, side splitting giggles and my stomach still aches today (plus, everyone in my office has been confirmed in their suspicions that I am bonkers). Oh, and this event even inspired a comic, starring YOU, entitled, "Mr Poopypants." So thanks for the laughs and no hard feelings. I look forward to your next creative email (from "Tanner" of course), your poop story telling abilites are impressive!

your pal, the ever-gullible burn-novice,

xoxo eva xoxoxox

Neil said...

Wow. Remind me to never, ever fuck with you in the slightest. This is high-larious and amazing.

Tmoore said...

yeah.. i'm one mean SOB. just ask anyone who knows me, once this old lady was-Oh, ouch fuck shit, i just got a hang nail... brb.

greg davis said...

FACE!

Herb said...

The remorse I felt when I thought I'd been a catlyst for your break-up is nothing I'll ever feel again, as you are now one of my enemies.

Don't let your gaurd down McCuin, I'm going to do to you what the fall of communism did to the Eastern European economy.

-Your worst nightmare