It's getting colder

Today's the last day i'll be living with A, i'm getting my things together right now and taking inventory of what i'll need to come back and get when i have my own place to put them. In the meantime i'll be couch surfing. I may not be posting on here for little while. A's house started remodeling almost exactly the day i came back from Olympia, her father employed me in the deconstruction of the walls and ceilings and i spent most of my summer covered in old insulation and plaster dust. A. spent alot of time, popping the weird zits that i got all over my shoulders and back because of it.

When it was time to stop tearing down, my job was done, and the carpenters/masons/drywallers etc, started to show up and day by day, inch by inch, started turning the demolished insides into a new home for A's family. It was around that time (end of the summer) that A and her parents invited me to live with them. I foolishly accepted, knowing even then, that living with my girlfriend at her family's home was not going to be comfortable for anyone. However i didn't have many options then, i was only working at the record store part time and the idea of living back in Highgate was frightening to say the least. I couldn't afford rent yet, and besides, no one i knew was looking for a roomate. So i took the plunge.

At first things seemed Good enough, we moved in, i put my computer in A's bedroom, next to the window that looked out onto her quiet neighborhood, we had two rooms and a bathroom that we claimed quietly as our own, and after alot of reshuffling of clothes and old nic-naks, we were settled. All around us, we could hear the banging of hammers and the buzzing of saws but inside our two little rooms we decided we were safe, and that we'd hole up here against the world until spring when everything would be new, and the house would be safe and quiet again.

The doors are all open now, they can't shut because the house has been reshifted, there is a film of plaster dust covering everything, and just outside of the open door Brian the gruff but friendly Carpenter (who loves the field mice and belle and sebastian.) is cutting a hole in the wall that will make the two upstairs sides of the house whole. It rained last night, i left my window down in my truck. The sun is out, but setting fast, and i have to pack up my nessesities and find a place to stay tonight.

I can't really say how i feel right now, i feel betrayed by myself, like there are parts of me acting against my better judgement that says, "what are you doing? She's great! She loves you!" On a larger level, i get the impression sometimes that there is almost like a fork in the road of my future, and the Adrienne fork, will take me to College, healthy living, safety, love, life.... and the Single alone road is just more of the same... Record store clerk, making ends meet, cigarettes, rock and roll, self pity, hatred. I know things can't be so black and white, and that the paths are always diverging and crossing, and that the only path you can't take is that one you won't. And then, i think, about how cold it's going to be outside soon.


Anonymous said...

tanner, this last paragraph especially is really insightful and quite poetic. i love: "the only path that you can't take is the one that you won't." and the idea that paths are really a big convoluted mess! or maybe not a mess at all. anyway, i am glad to have the chance to read this. -michelle

greg davis said...

there are many many paths radiating from us in every direction at every moment.

like the sun and the sunbeams.....

Tmoore said...

thanks you guys - it's not always easy to sum up my thoughts into something blog worthy, thanks for the words.