My 16 Living Situations:
Part One

I was day dreaming yesterday, thinking about my new place and how much it feels like home to me. My thoughts started drifting back across all the various people I've lived with over the years... The more i thought of it, the more i realized I've lived with a series of interesting people... some more than other; old pedophiles, young drug dealers, suicidal Alcoholic gay men; it's been a bumpy ride to say the least. So here's part one of my three part very mini-series on my various roommates, entitled "Perfect Strangers: The Aussie years".

1. Bob, 45 year old Aussie guy who i was sure was a closet pedophile, at the very least a closet homosexual. He was nice enough to put me up with his family for a couple weeks when i moved to Australia. When i arrived at his modest suburban home and met his family, it become apparent that Bob had invited other young men to stay temporarily, and that i was a huge burden on his family. I wanted to move out as soon as i got there; but Bob insisted that i move into this old dilapidated house with his father...

2. Bob's dad, Bob. 65 year old Aussie, he'd wake me up in the morning to the smell of deep frying tomatoes eggs and sausage. Then after soaking up the last dribbles of grease with his toast would roll up big cigarettes and slurp on Earl Grey while regaling me with stories of his many infidelities. Like how he and his buddies would gang bang this one friend of there's behind the woodshed, or how he copped a feel on his wife's best friend breast while she slept one morning while they had been out yachting - His wife, god rest her soul, had died that past spring. I'd come home from school and he'd be sitting in the kitchen smoking and listening to "Tubular Bells".

3. Bob's son, Robert. 18 year old crusty punk, and his sweet charming girlfriend who's name i can't remember - (revision: It was "Jenny", actually.) They moved in to my house with the elder Bob while they were taking a year off and living on the dole. They'd have loud sex that I'd listen to through the wall most nights. Young Bob wasn't around much, which was good cause he was a dick, but his girlfriend was, and i spent some time getting to know her. Jenny got a puppy one day a little Aussie blue heeler, it got hit by a car one day and i had to take it to the vet to be put down. One evening while Robert and i were sharing a silent dinner in the same room together he looked up at me and said "... You reckon my Dad's gay?" I thought real hard about how to answer that one. "Yeah." i said. He nodded, and went back to eating, we never talked about it again.

4. GT 27 year old Norwegian house DJ + Rotating cast of Norwegian free loaders, GT's name was Norwegian, and sounded something like "Gee-ara Tjoura" i called him GT, or Grand Tourismo, or Gay Turtle. He turned me on to electronic music and spun really sharp tech-house / electro. GT had a good ear for most anything electronic - he was also a big fan of prostitutes and recreational drugs. We shared a tiny flat on the 18th floor of an Oxford street apartment building, along with various friends and party acquaintances that would float in, stay for a couple days and then disappear without a trace; One of the longest stays was by his "brother" a Brit from Cornwall named Stephen, who had the worst acne scares I've ever seen and a thick Cornwall accent to match; Water was "Woot-ahh" - Actually thinking back on him, he looked like a shorter version of Rob Brydon. Another favorite was the next door neighbor, a friendly, bright eyed, clean cut 30 something fellow named Marc. Marc was a Buddhist and a high price prostitute. He would often offer me "Free-bees" but would settle for sitting on our balcony smoking endless numbers of joints and watching the city skyline for hours on end.

5. Jess 18 year old Aussie and life saver; she was GT's on again, off again girlfriend but more than that was my life raft when things got a little weird. I only lived with her for a couple weeks towards the end of my Australian Sojourn, but i remember that time like a camel remembers where to find water.

6. Lindsay and Tatiana 18 year old Vermonters - When i returned from Sydney i lived at home for a bit; rather in the old horse barn behind my familial home. But that didn't last, it's hard to move back to small town Vermont after having had my senses blown away by so much culture, so i moved to Burlington. My sister's ex-girlfriend and her friend let me sleep on their couch in Winooski while i tried to find a job in town; They were great roommates; Later Lindsay and i shared a room together and would lay in our beds at night arguing whether man was inherently selfish or whether or not that was beneficial... It was my believe that we are, and it is - a notion i still stand behind. Lindsay, believed we need to strive towards selflessness - last i heard she was leading outward bound students through the Andes.

It's also worth to note that both these girls at that time, i think based on some sort of dare, were dancers at "Planet Rock" for a short stint. Therefore, i can now tell people that at one point, i lived with two strippers.


Now tell me about your strangest living situation...
or just check out Lolsecretz.


jay said...

When Jaime and I were in Chicago, we were standing on the bridge where that "Perfect Strangers" opening shot was filmed (it's downtown, near the Merchandise Mart and the Clark Blue Line stop) and I started singing the "Perfect Strangers" theme song. She didn't get it. For a second, I doubted that she was my soulmate. Then she made some kind of farting noise with her mouth when an old person walked by and I knew she was.

Tanner M. said...


that's love.

the le duo said...

in between most of these living situations you should put 'jb's couch' or 'jb's basement'


Animal Parade said...

OMG I once lived with this quiet, weird, straight edge guy with a gigantic red beard who would stay up all night and blast obsure unitonal music.