Highgate

Monday

Don't you want something genetically engineered to love?


I grew up with dogs, and a few cats too - I'm an animal lover, i believe whole heartedly that the relationship between a fella and his dog is about as close to perfect as any relationship can come, sorry JC - your still my main squeeze, even when you do throw up on my quilt. Jenny, your cool too. ;D

Lately, for whatever reason, I've been experiencing a sensation i can only explain as my Caninilogical clock. [cue my cousin vinny clip.] And it's Ticking Like This! I've been a number of years without one, Though my childhood dog, a beagle named Bean (After Francis Bean Cobain. Sweet.)is still kicking, she's more my dad's dog now and sadly i think on her way off this mortal plain - it's nearing time that i start looking again.

On that same (JRR)tolkien, i want to be sure i find a place that will be comfortable for a dog, and a dog that's comfortable with city living. It's easier said than done.
Now whenever i walk down the street and see some cute owner/dog combo i get secretly jealous and want to stop them a ask them all sorts of questions, where they found their place, what was the deposit, did you raise it from a puppy? How do you find the time? Do you take it everywhere you go? Do most shops let you in? etc etc...

After spending so much time looking through rental ads i'm getting more and more worried i'm not going to find a spot that A) allows dogs, B) is close to downtown C) Affordable, and D) practically perfect in everyway. So if someone has any hot leads for the end of the summer, let me know. I'll make it worth your while. (I'm not talkin bout sexin' - trust me, that's not worth your while.)

Anyway - while walking around town this past weekend looking at various locations and thinking hard about my situation, and the possibly deep psychological reasons for needing a canine companion so badly i turned down a street in the North end i seemed never to have been down, nor ever heard of; the name of it slips my mind now; but about halfway down, i came across a surprisingly modern store front. The name across the top glowed in super modern font and read "GenPets".

I found this curious and walked in - the store owner greeted me with a handshake and asked me if i'd ever heard of genpets - i hadn't i just happened by. He smiled fully, handed me a brochure with one hand and put his arm around my shoulder with the other, "Let me tell you about Genpets..."

Over the next 30 minutes or so the smiling man in the expensive suit told me about all the wonderful things that genetic engineering has brought the world, from disease resistant corn, to earses on mouses - modern genetic research has even made it possible to pick your child's gender, it's eye color too! I was skeptical though, that's all fine and good i told the man, but sir until you can give my baby boy 7 fingers on each hand i'm not interested. (I predict a future controlled entirely by apple hotkeys.) I paused, unless you could genetically engineer me a companion, a new friend - a pet even...

His grin widened, his eyes sparkled. Oh i think i have just the thing...


It's one week later now and i've never felt so close to another living creature, my genpet, lovingly named Gertrude "genpet" Stein has filled the gap in my soul left by the absence of god - we play together, do crafts together, even bath together - and little Gerty loves me unconditionally, and though it often cries for no reason, i can easily make it happy again with a simple injection. A better companion i couldn't imagine, and in a year, after this one wears down, a new model will be shipped to me free of cost, just package ol' Gerty up in the postage paid box, and pop it in the mail, your replacement will arrive in 5-7 business days - i think next time i'm going to get the red one.

4 comments:

the le duo said...

weird gross crass strange awful perfect wonderful

jay said...

(I predict a future controlled entirely by apple hotkeys.)

You and me both brother....you and me both.

The ARBitrator said...

Something vaguely disturbing about all this, but I can't quite put my finger on it. . .

casey said...

AMAZING!