The State Government vs. Me

Oh, baby where to begin... I've had a long week, just when unemployment was starting to seem a bit monotonous, i get some serious return on all the resumes i sent in, 4 interview in a week is alot for me, and involved going to old gold and buying some new clothes, you know slacks and button up shirts - instead of slacks though i bought this great pair vintage Lee stretch jeans/slacks... don't roll your eyes, the tags had fucking John Madden on them - you know you're wearing sweet pants when john madden is rocking them out while excitedly explaining his latest genius football maneuver, (this is back before he didn't care to wear anything besides his own vomit and a smile.)

These new potential job developments were very fortunate as i also received a letter from the state letting me know that they were going to be doing an audit on my unemployment claim as apparently my former shyster employers worked some voodoo magic and kept me on the payroll for two weeks instead of cutting me a proper severence check. So according to the records i collected unemployment AND worked, HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST!

Anyway, so i spent a few days figuring out how to use a fax machine and sent off my various papers to the government, my caseworker "Bradford" informed me that he'd get back to me in about a week.

*One week Later*

I find this this letter from the state, i sit down, it's two pages, typed, and as far as i could tell, written in english, But for the fucking life of me, i couldn't make heads or tales of what it was telling me - i felt like a fucking monkey trying to use an etchie-sketch. Fuck that, i felt like I was trying to use an etchi-sketch. I couldn't make heads or tails, the first read through it made me think, "Balls! I'm fucked." i then i gave it to Jenny to read who after alot of head scratching and lice picking looked at me and said "I think this means your fine babe..."

That's 1 for 1... I needed another opinion, so i gave it to my friend who works for the fucking United States Government, -he'd surely understand all this legal bullshit. He took the document, and began to scan the page with intent, lips pursed, eyes narrowed, head nodded - somewhere off in the distance a bell tolled... "Looks like you owe the government some money..."


"See here... this means....*upper lip scratch* you owe them from Dec. 29th back to when you started... how much is that..."

"What?! 4 weeks of unemployment, but even if i do count my severence pay that's only 2 weeks! This is an outrage - This is Bullshit!"

I fell backwards on my bottom stunned, i looked around for a moment to make sure jenny was watching, and began to wail. Realizing that Jenny was too busy writing her 18,000th revision of her "favorite movies list", i decided the best course of action would be to appeal my situation and write a letter to the state, a really sarcastic letter. I won't transcribe the whole thing but i'll include a few lines to give you the flavor...

"Hello The Vermont Department of Labor,

...after being asked when the last time i worked was, i began to receive my unemployment checks. All seemed right in the world for an unemployed man around the holidays, all that money i payed into the government with every paycheck, was now going to help me make it through the holiday season so that come January and a the new year, i could find gainful employment again...

...my government seemed to be on my side, and my faith was restored in mankind...

...How wrong i was it seems, now, and according to the woefully arcane letter i received via my caseworker Bradford Gwinn, as of this letter i hold in my hand, it would seem that i owe the state quite a sum of money. Now given the circumstances i can see how there was some confusion here, with my severence from my dangerously shady former employers...

...It would seem then, that because i was kept on the pay roll for 2 (two) weeks at the syndio company, and i collected 2 (two) weeks of unemployment at the same time, that infact, i owe you two (2) weeks of unemployment, if you see fit. What i don't understand is how you equate those two weeks to all time from the week ending the 29th of December previous... if i'm doing my math, that would seem more like 3 weeks... do you have a calculator handy?

...There were alot of mistakes made here, my old employers were good at working the books, the people on the hotline weren't so good at following their scripts and catching this before it was too late, and i admit that if i had extrasensory perception, i too could have helped avoid this mess...

Appealingly yours,

Tanner M. McCuin

---- So i sent that off, fully expecting to get the double edged sword of bureaucracy and debt shoved up my butt. I looked at my meager finances, cursed the gods, cursed the lack of gods, and waited.

This afternoon i recieved a phone call from a lady at the appeal office in Montpelier.

"Tanner McCuin?"

"Yes" i said with as much snark as one can put into a yes.

"I'm so and so from the Vermont yada yada appeals department..."


"... i'm calling you about the appeal you filed yesterday regarding your claim."


"Well, there was a bit of confusion here... as according to your records you don't owe the state any money."

"Ohhhhhhh......... *sssshit...* hehe. really!?"

"Really sir."

"you know your letters are really confusing..."

"Yes sir. So was yours. Have a nice day."

"Thank you!"


Sooooooooo there you have it, my tale of man vs government. Sort of...I WIN!
Anyway, where was I? Was i making some kind of point with all this some sort of moral or cautionary message? Whatever, i'm gonna go buy another computer monitor or something. I just got a new job so i can kiss all this nonsense goodbye, at least until next time.


jay said...

Way to fight the power and stick it to the man!

New job? Freelance or full time?

Tanner M. said...

a little of both?

I'm freelancing for PDIcreative.com for hte next two weeks - but they want to hire me on fulltime, this is sort of trial run, and a couple days a week i'm doing web consulting for this local snow-boarding tshirt brand company called brandnew.com

we'll see how that goes... they were very "nathan barley" about everything.

josh said...

30 more lbs of tenderloin, here you come! Wheeeeeee!

Casey said...

Coolest post I've read in ages. You should fight the Gov't more often!